It's also important, especially for the romantics out there, to realize that just because you and your ex … Stepmoms tend to demonize the ex to feel better about themselves. To some point the ex is inherently part of ones life when it comes to the children/issues like that, but it’s easy to obsess on this. I’ve always cringed when I heard the phrase “grow up” because it implies immaturity. Love this and agree, let’s stick to our own marriage. At first I was very hurt and depressed, missed him terribly, was counting on getting back together, and couldn't imagine ever being attracted to or dating anyone again. So, that list includes . http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-295, Why Do You Care About The Ex: A Clarification | Stepcoupling, What to Do When the BioMom Declares War « In the Blender. It sounds as if you are NOT completely over him... Go NC until you are and this wont bother you at all. For the most part, I have been able to stick to that goal. Are we examining every move of the ex and not able to move on? Hes on dating sites, adult sites and adding all these girls on fb. That way I don’t have to resent her …or you either. I don't care what my last ex-husband does now because we don't have a child. Anyway.... You can post now and register later. If my husband puts her wants and needs before mine, if my husband consults her on things before he consults me, if my husband makes decisions with her that affect MY time and I am not consulted…then THAT’S why I care about the ex. !… and ignore, dismiss, and/or deal with what they don’t like about the EX. The truth is, the EX is yesterday’s news. Maybe when we’re hurt, we all turn to the same vice. It's simply that after everything, I think about the good times we did have and how he will always have a piece of my heart. I agree with Joy in Reply 16. You are right to point out that basically we all need to grow up and grow up quickly. If you do still care, then you should let him or her know. In my work with remarried couples, almost 100% of the time they come in for help, it’s because there has been so much focus on the kids and the ex-spouses that the marriage relationship is in the tanker. Civil and polite can do the trick and save everyone lots of aggravation. There are no other explanations why an ex would withhold your belongings from you. The fact is that all stepcouples have to learn to maximize what they have…the partner of their dreams?? 6 cute, non-boring ways to tie a scarf ... Weird things we ALL do when an ex starts dating someone new. I haven't talked to my ex in almost a year. He’s always getting so emotional over everything that I say or do. ", then this article can help you.   You cannot paste images directly. The only person that you should care about what they think is yourself, if you feel good about yourself and what you're doing then it doesn't matter what people think of you because at the end of the day some people will like you for you and some will not, you're in control of your own internal world so don't let other people take control of the driver seat. There’s no need to shoot for being best friends. Let her be and spend good energy on relationships that count – your partner and the kids in your life, step or otherwise. Congratulations and thanks for sharing with others. I simply cannot lose him. Being a stepmother is one humbling proposition. Thanks again for the article–I hope it will help lots of women. Isn’t it time to move on? The only reason they care about staying connected with your friends is because these are the middlemen when it comes to talking to you or finding out things about you (that they can’t ask you). He’s just not man enough for me. It’s much easier, and it feels much better to be angry at the ex and keep her in a hostile place in your heart. So while it may be fairly easy in some situations to ignore the ex herself, it is often almost impossible to ignore, or not be obsessed with, the alienated children, especially when they are abusive, angry, and violent. Show Printable Version; Email this Page… 01-30-2011, 04:32 PM #1. confused24. And in some extreme cases, legal action must be taken if the ex-spouse is interfering in ways that are destructive or oppose the agreed upon parenting plan. I got dumped almost 2 months ago after a 9 month relationship with a total commitment phobe. An ex needs compassion for all kinds of reasons and sometimes it’s just because she’s doing the best she can and she may or may not make the best decisions, but that’s life and one moves on. ), Hi Kim – Just cut him out of your life!! That can be a great thing. That should be quite enough to show him. Upload or insert images from URL. Weekly date nights must be sacred. And speaking of the ex-wife, I kicked her out of my head a long time ago. . You are wise to point out that space needs to be given to one’s husband and their ex-spouse so that they can communicate clearly about the needs and parenting of their children. If he talks with his ex before getting your feelings, opinions, thoughts etc, she’s in the loop …and you’re not. Then, last week, one of my friends told me that my cheating ex-boyfriend is having a baby with his new girlfriend and she’s already six months pregnant (it was unplanned, apparently). I knew it wasn’t my normal pattern, so I dealt with my health and voila, there is no more obsessing. Wednesday Martin» Blog Archive » Love, Lust, Sex, Power, Romance: Is There a Third Partner in Your Marriage? Maybe he thinks he’s doing the right thing. We broke up 6 weeks ago, been no contact for 3. × January 30, 2011 in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships. We would all be wise to relate to everyone in the stepfamily system with compassion and understanding. By It’s amazing how the stepcouple preys on that negative energy against her. he wanted to talk and ask permission if he could still pay me a visit in my workplace. There are only 2 possible reasons why an ex-boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend would do that: Due to anger and bitterness for a perceived unfair treatment. If you're currently wondering, "Why does my ex boyfriend keep asking me how I'm doing if he dumped me? See if that works. My ex is being so sweet to me because I threw a tantrum. There was most likely a clear and definite need for the divorce. I imagine we’ve brought in some ourselves. And she is the psycho type…breaking into our home, cutting up my things, texting and calling my husband constantly, telling her sons lies about me when she doesn’t even know me, stopping by our home unexpected on holidays, etc. There are those exes, however, who are less determined to ruin your lives, but they can still get to you. Does your relationship feel more like a threesome than an intimate twosome? But for those who don’t, it sure is a no-win situation. Between lawsuits, alienation, disturbing phone calls, requests for money, etc. Why Do I Care What My EX is Doing?! I'd take him out of my life quickly, and deal with the loss myself. I just have to focus on me and making myself better for the next guy who comes along. When I pointed this out, he seemed to realize that there was something odd about this. Hi. My husband and I are our own base camp – support, unity, mutual trust, friendship, and love – we make daily deposits into our marriage relationship. Does my ex boyfriend not care about me and everything we had together anymore? I dated my ex for three years and we broke up a little over a year ago. Many have problems with current life issues and relationships, past and present. Daily. Because your ex is pretending to be over you and doesn’t want to move on; And that’s it. And, I liked the comments about compassion. I love your ideas of what works for you.   Pasted as rich text. It is. I am his first serious gf. Fashion See All Fashion . He’s really trying so hard to please me. Some are afraid of getting out there again, so they keep their former relationship alive as a way of staying involved and not feeling single again," Walfish explains. Why do i still care sooooo much about her? - YouTube Why We Feel the Urge to Text an Ex "Many people can't stop thinking about their ex obsessively to ease a feeling of loneliness. Kim is right – None of us are MATURE AND GROWN UP when we’re feeling badly. Any past boyfriends....I DO NOT CARE. So the answer to the question, “Why do you Care About the Ex” is “because HE still cares about her.” That’s the piece that doesn’t feel good. You don't need sh*t like that! And you are letting it happen. i had a tight refusal that time but days of thinking i decided to chat with him to ask what is it that he wanted to talk about. While the form of your relationship will change, your care for them will not. Then it becomes an issue between you and your husband. Clear editor. And that is 100% right. The stronger the stepcouple, the more support and love they have to raise his, hers and their children. They also feel inferior because they are not the “real” moms. 9 Signs Your Ex Boyfriend Might Still Care About You. He is my Prince Charming!” she will instead be thinking something like, “He doesn’t get it. That’s a bitter pill. Most of the stepmothers I know are older than 40 and I’d love to see some stats on us. I can’t tell you the HORROR STORIES I’ve heard over the years of problems with exes. I think every woman partnered with a man with kids needs this encouragement to re-direct her energies and her focus whenever possible, even (perhaps especially!) Your ex’s reality is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Finally, most of the women with stepkids I know and work with know better than to fall into the trap of competing with mom. Again, this is no small task and we all have had our “days” when we needed to back up and regroup and begin again with a different perspective. Breakup Advice: Why Do I Care What My Ex is Doing? Babe US. It's just the way it is. It’s an old, out of date relationship! No one likes to think of their husband with another woman, but the reality is that most of us remarry men with an ex-wife and children. He always the one who text me first and sometimes he asks me to hang out with him. View Profile View Forum Posts Member Join Date Jan 2011 Posts 117 Gender Female. Though I will run into him so will prob be awkward and weird again. He/She Shows Up At Places When You're There. Hi Elizabeth – 4 years ago . Being a strong marital team will help take care of this kind of ex-wife. […] read a post by Susan Wisdom called “Why Do You Care About the Ex?” which addresses the reasons why some StepMoms focus on the BioMom. Vacations away with NO children are a must when one can afford them. He’s such a good guy! Read to the end and you'll find an excellent resource you can use immediately to help you understand every aspect of your man in a way few women will ever know. She never cheated but did things behind my back and i stopped trusting her. 2. Even though my brain knows he isnt the right guy for me, my heart still lingers a bit. Susan. Paste as plain text instead, × I can breathe deeply, choose to not care about her, and decide that she has no impact on my life…but if my HUSBAND doesn’t do the same thing, then it’s futile. Every little thing starts to grate on your nerves and you begin to resent everything. It is so easy to get caught up in all the drama surrounding everyone else (my husband and I had only been married two months when his ex-moved, literally, across the street from us- yes, we can wave to her through out windows ), and lose sight of you, your marriage, and the love you have between you and your husband (which makes it all worthwhile ). Hello there, I had experience same like you. That is the reality and it is pointless to get in a power struggle with Reality. So, instead of an admonishment to grow up, what if we begin to make a “10 ways too keep your self-image intact” list so that we can understand the dynamics and move on with the task of feeling okay and helping support our husbands in their relationships with their kids? I’m doing fine on my own. hello kate my ex tried to reach me out again days after i wrote here through our common friend on fb mssgnr(i wasn’t even read your reply yet). Why do exes come back? If that’s the case, the ex is a DISTANCER and DISTRACTOR in your stepcouple relationship. He is a guy, we think with our penis', of course he is going to try to attract women in his life. Sex with your ex can help reveal why you chose to remain apart." I just deleted him AGAIN from fb and emailed him explaining I just cant be friends. I’m moving on with my life and you should do … Until about a month ago, my partner wanted me to socialize with them, be friends with them, “blend” with them. No one has the exclusive rights to Crazy! Learn how your comment data is processed. Licensed Professional Counselor No one benefits. The kids pick up on it and feel torn, confused and angry. After awhile, you do start caring about the ex. Ever think about the power she (or he) has in your life and the energy she uses? Wow! Is My Ex Hurting Too: Signs He Is Hurting After The Break Up. xx wednesday, […] http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-295 […]. You don't need to show your ex anything. ARE we jealous of the ex at this age? I don’t blame you. Well he did NOT like that email at all. Some of them really move on without a glance to us, some of them don't. I’m new to the world of stepmom blogs and wish that I had discovered this sooner in my relationship. But here’s the truth about breakups, your ex doesn’t care how you feel. Celebrate your marriage with date night. There are many emotional reasons why this is common and hard to change. No one can become a wedge between us – not his kids, not my kids, not his ex-wife. If so, can you talk with him about discussing stuff with YOU first and HER SECOND. Thanks for sharing! Saying goodbye to someone you love is sad. Susan Wisdom When I found myself obsessing, it was actually my “clue” that I was going into peri-menopause. Susan, Great article – and I can’t emphasize enough that the marriage relationship must come first. As for Wednesday’s point about the intrusive and uncooperative ex-wife…no easy solutions but I have found that no one has power unless we give it to them. I agree, we need to focus on the current marriage, the one we are in, not the one our partner left behind. I repeat WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? Skin Care Uniquely You Fashion. I think a good number of women who have problems with the ex have those problems due in large part to their husbands. His perception is it’s not working, and anything you say isn’t going to change his mind. If not, be honest so that you can both move on once and for all. He didn’t care if I never saw or had a meal with the ones I got along with! It's up to you to decide if you still care about them to try again or if you want to cut them loose completely. Remember that. etc. You are right to point out that some of the ex-wives are not healthy individuals. NC again. Since an ex who wants you back is likely to do the opposite of what you expect, here are four real signs that he secretly wants you back. And when you look at your stepkids, do you resent how much they look like and act like HER? The only ex's I care about are my son's father (and his wife) and my 1st ex husband (we have a daughter) and his wife. Why do we put up with all the questions that social media dredges up that really we just should not have to know about? That’s why deciding whether your ex might want you back is a little like reading a foreign language with no translation. My partner’s ex was not an intrusive person and I have been able to ignore her existence pretty much: except that apparently she made two of her children into proxy warriors in her war against me and my partner. She’s not attracted to you yet. Have you ever thought about what your stepcouple relationship would be like if you didn’t obsess about the EX? If I don't miss my ex, then why do I care that he has a new girlfriend? Thanks A.J. Sometimes, a guy might feel so bad about what happened between him and his ex girl that he may think to himself, “I’ll do anything to prove to her that I’m truly sorry for hurting her. Is he trying to just get some, rebel against the relationship we had? I wrote some of my own thoughts on where I’m at in OUR situation this past week on my site, would love your feedback. I learned pretty quickly to ENJOY the fact that if I wasn’t going to be given any authority by the kids’ parents, I didn’t need to take on any responsibility, either. For example: When a guy is interacting with his ex, she might say something like, “I know you still care about me, but I really don’t have feelings for you anymore. . When you ask the question, “why do you care about the ex?” there are many, many answers, and not all of them within our control. So I’ve had to learn to ignore them too. It is ever present. × That changes the situation, doesn’t it? I wish my family would quit "stalking" the people that don't matter and then trying to "update" me on them. Another possible reason why your ex doesn’t care that you’re truly sorry is… 2. Excellent reminder. He seems to wonder what I’m doing too. . At least not until some time has passed and his emotions have calmed down. Oh I agree with your advice – I think the point I was trying to make is that putting all the blame for “caring about the ex” on teh current spouse is not always fair or a good reflection on reality. 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