Did I somehow contribute to his state of mind? I forever feel a strong wave of guilt and are being blamed by his family for not helping him or trying to save him. Theresa the worldwide Compassionate Friends organization may help you. Regards. When I texted him off & on Monday & none of my text were read I knew something wasnt right. I called 911 our Secutity get all the 911 calls and they got here fast. He took his life in front of both my parents. That tiny spark is enough to keep you alive, and it holds all your feelings of despair, rage, love, confusion, hope there is still hope and you will find your way out. He accomplished more in 23 years of life then I or most people ever will. Stressors included work and fears that he was prescribing too many controlled substances (this had come to his supervisors attention yet there was no direct consequence) and fears that his very elderly father might pass. She said to me that she doesnt like any of them and that she trusts me, and wants to talk to me. That is how I can keep on going on. Approximately 90%of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders. They had no idea he would do this. I told all of my close friends what I was doing and they supported me. I too feel the way you do. Nothing has been the same since, we text the night before and I noticed he seemed off, but rather than say anything or question it, I went to bed. EVERY SINGLE DAY I ask WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I still have difficulty saying my son died by suicide. Obviously, I am completely devastated. She seemed so happy and told nearly everyone she new how happy I made her. I dont think all the time in the world will heal how i feel. They make the decision to visit me at winter time because of their work, and see me and my family how we doing how was our lifes our married life with 2 kids being grow our kids almost alone with no help in this big city, Toronto..!!! We didnt always agree but I know it was just about business and that he was a great guy. Its the day before my mothers birthday. Hugs and prayers to you, I hope you found a support group. Im sorry, but i say my mother committed suicide. I was against the marriage. I am just starting to try to live my life again. I listen, let her cry & hold her. Or maybe if I had never entered his life, he would still be here. The time has come for us to choose language aroundsuicide thatdoes not condemn or stigmatize the person who has died or those who love them. I am an only child but love him and his family like they are my own. I already see myself as a failure as a brother, it doesnt matter if people try to comfort me by saying otherwise. I am so incredibly sorry to learn about your fathers death. The 1st year after his death I was ok kept myself busy, but in the years since I have become isolated from ppl and just dont want to do anything. I called 911 and the EMTs were able to resuscitate him. The pain is still very raw and fresh. I dont know what else to do. Your pain is real and I am sorry you feel it. i am soo so sorry. We spent some time with his body after they gave up and I took some snippets of his hair. Dad if you read this, I will forever love you and cherish our moments together. If you find one and it doesnt help, find another one. Im a die-hard football fan (raiders nfl and wolverines NCAA). Or, he might have overdosed or gotten beaten to death, drunken in the park. I am an old sick woman who deserves death.She was a young beautiful girl who had not lived her life.Sorry I just had to say it all. If only there were something I could do to help them heal. Im a happy person but this scene comes and goes in waves and makes me so depresses. You see even though we might feel that its tough on a particular day since we received the news, we are left behind to keep on living and loving each other and fighting the darkness in this world with the light of that love. I assume you are dealing with something similar. My 3 year old son and I found her in her room. I loved his soul. He texted me that he was sorry right before he did it and we talked on the phone earlier that morning. He is age 25 my son is 5 years old . I hope its not too late, The father of my son passed away last Friday and today would be his funeral . Or so violent the investigation of the scene from detectives was being treated as homicide. She planned to sell her things and move to Texas to be with her sister and I was very encouraging I just wanted her to get into therapy and heal herself. She was intoxicated and from what I hear she plated with her gun. my brother hung himself in 1977 when he was 22 and i was 25. my sister and he were close and she was aged 20. it is something the whole family never got over and i hold all of us responsible and believe everyone played a part in it eben me. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. Another year's remembrance over, but the memories . My neighbor grabbed me and pulled me off of him and even at that point I didnt really know what was happening. She had told me 5 days before she was going to get help that she couldnt live like this anymore. Hes in surgery now. I had to hand the phone to my boyfriend. Wed had many arguments about what was acceptable and unacceptable. I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GPs, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. Educate your loves ones on quantum immortality. Why does everyone care about my weight?! She took a piece of my heart with her. May you all find the light. I loved him so much. He used to be a fun, loving dad, but he hasnt been there since my mid teens. Gail Julmi April 13, 2019 at 6:04 am Reply. I, from my bleeding heart, hope you can rest your eyes even for the night. This runs through my head everyday. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live. Comes down to being told you have to see someone and get a prescription to fix your chemical inbalance of the brain. then after that can I sue the mother of the child for all the pain she has cause me and my family? It was after a couple of months of his manic episode that was more intense than ever. I read the whole article, yes it was an informative subject.., but I was kinda hurt when I read your do and dont instructions.. Do say She killed herself or She died by suicide I find it a careless and judging expression on a suicide victim. I feel like a shell of a person just here. Im now 33 but I know for sure that I will always be her little sister. We divorced 16 years ago and he married his latest mistress. What a waste. One came out and said he was dead. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If anyone needs to talk to someone I am here and will give email or Facebook . His wife was going to leave him and told him to do everyone a favor and kill himself. He had told me for years (after seeing both our parents suffer horribly from cancer) that if he ever got cancer he would shoot himself. he was only 21, in his fourth year of uni, just asked my parents for help yesterday. If anyone else has experienced this, sending you lots of love and youre not alone. The bad ones were soooo bad! But I still feel like nobody understands the pain. I will forever. I am sick to my stomach about losing him and then not even having the chance to help somebody else. No one to teach them how to tie a tie, how to shave. She of course told him she had to ask her parents first and would let him know. I had no idea he was depressed. Then I texted her number and continuously called her phone. After almost 2 years I still stare at his death certificate in disbelief. Please everyone that has been affected b suicide please seek help. Its like being turned inside out with no way back. You when go to sleep at night and wake up the next day tomorrow was just a dream after all because its now today. My 24-year-old son took his life last month. My mother is devastated- her and her fiance had just broken up two months ago and shes all alone my dad is the one who found my brother and he feels so guilty.. every time I think about what he had to see my throat clenches up and my eyes fill with tears. I knew she was having trouble coping with life. Can be found on my website only. i feel like i could have changed his mind. Apparently the blast wave causes injuries all throughout the brain.This can cause cognitive deterioration, leading to PTSD symptoms, mental illness, etc. We almost like we felt he was too good for us. Im sorry to hear about your loved ones passing. Ive called him a moody bitch to be honest. I will say that most people avoid asking about how I am coping, and many friends have dropped of the radar, almost to the point where it is never mentioned. Nobody really knew her, or noticed she was gone. You won't know when you're ready, because you'll never really feel ready, so do it soon. I walk out to my kitchen to hear the news that my brother has hung himself. Its exhausting at timesso want to find some peace around it! Unfortunately I am there taking care of a mother always weeping which is a reminder at all times. Sending you all the support for your air travels and an internet hug. I think of him all day long, but it gives me hope to get through the day to know that one day I will see his happy smiling face again. When I flew to the state he lives she for a living sells guns and knew he was severely struggling and never told us. Belive it or not it is not your fault in any way. Sure yeah, I looked great but felt lousy. Its easy to say they are at peace now when we are left here with excruciating guilt and loss. He found out I tried to starve myself. It was unthinkable given our past as college roommates and roommates later in life when I was living on a couch in a house he was renting. I didnt want him back or anything like that, and I didnt miss being with him. Still loves. Her first husband had died 1.5 years before we met, and they had a young son. Expect setbacks. This came as a shock to my family. I am not making excuses but I am unfortunately not focusing on the original reason or HUMAN I MISS IMMENSELY AND FEEL that I didnt do enough to help my son before it was too late! So much more I cannot fit here now. Not to be mean or as a punishment but to give his children a calm structured life. Thank you for you article, Barbara J. For me its the way he died. I lost my partner to suicide in June 2016. My older sister was sometimes mean to me, and I was mean to her. But felt so connected to him from a spiritual place. I told my brothers to take her out of the room. His father, a pastor who was very loving, kind, and compassionate, was a rock to David. Deborah Smith July 8, 2016 at 9:07 am Reply. After not answering our texts and calls for four days, my parents went to his apartment to talk to him, but he still would not answer so they called the police. Please know that you are not alone. Have these long drawn out jokes that we would be fueled by the other, usually at the expense of some verbally inferior friend. When I was about 4 my house was being worked on by a family friend and one of the workers always brought his son who was about ten at the time. I still cannot believe why despite his Shizophrenia he seemed to be getting better he would do this . Just because hes sick doesnt mean that whatever your relationship was with him before he was diagnosed is automatically reset into something wonderful. I know she will continue to hug my heart every single day of my life. He has several books. I love you son. i was the last one to see him, i was the last one to kiss him, hug him, touch him, talk to him, even cry with him. It took 4 days for us to finally find him in the tree. I am grieving very differently than the other people in his life. Katie, omg your words are so true with what Im going through right now. No one is the sole influence in anothers life. Then there were the unsolicited opinions of others about how my beloved being Selfish Weak, or other things that only enraged me or caused me to become even more isolated, quiet then finally cut myself out of the outside world all together. we were not fighting . Im lost, I dont know how to live without him, Im feeling so empty. I vented here about my anger and hurt over my fathers suicide. Robert, I am so incredibly sorry for this devastating loss. He had been out of the hospital only 10 days when he took his life. My son, age 41, took his life by shooting himself in the mouth. Then, we started a popular business together 5 years ago, and so her death has been very public in our area with newspaper tribute articles (hardest interview ever) and hundreds of people looking to learn more details, express condolences, and show me happy photos or her bright smiling lively face. No time did not help, but I have learned to live with it. Then over the last 2years his loss of marriage his relationship with his children and loss of business. Reply. I hope we, the siblings left, all find strength and go on to live happy and fulfilled lives. I know I should fight anyway for them if I truly love them but I wake up every day feeling defeated. No matter what we did. I am so grateful that we had the last 24 years as a family but my entire family and grandchildren are in such pain! He was 21 short to 22 with 2 weeks. Thoughts of personal blame and responsibility. three months ago one of my best friends, who was long distance, killed himself. Lila Grace December 19, 2019 at 10:27 pm Reply. He was a good man. I wish I could of helped or got to her in time but Im still also angry. I couldnt bring him back and as they say life goes on. Im scared of life now. I felt I couldnt deal with his anger, so we didnt see each other for a year. Beyond surviving Know you can survive. One year ago today I was watching tv when i heard the front door open and close. SEEK out ongoing support/medical treatment. He walked down to a hay bale and sat up against it and killed himself; shooting himself in the back of the head. Things started to look up. I watched and kept vigil for 9 months barely sleeping at night, he suffered so much, he could not sleep, the medication for his Bipolar did not work, sleeping pills up to 6 did not work at all ! Because hes gone. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. He was certainly going through some things that are independent of your relationship. That didnt work. When he came, that all changed. Be the change you would have liked for your father. The first post sounds so much like mine. Its a lonely existence because I think friends avoid me so we dont have to talk about it or they don t know what to say. That wasnt my daddy. The worst thing of all he text his sister said I love you to try to get ahold of them right away but he already pulled the trigger luckily it was a GPS tag on it and she found him on the ditch bank leaning against the tree and I was only a few minutes behind definitely not a scene that you want your other child to see. Do not accept blame from yourself or others. My sister was my best friend. He really was my best friend. He was independent and helped others with disabilities daily. The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing. He is with you everywhere you are, Liz, and everywhere you go. I am a mess, and cannot stop thinking what could have happened if I had called him that week and ask how he have been. My head is finally getting there. In a journal he had kept he wrote she said it was 5 years of hell. She was so excited to spend time with him! I want give you my contact info some how if you ever need to reach out to anyone and have them listen. I hate suicide for others but I believe that I have a right to decide my own fate. She was 29 years old beautiful human being, she as many others should not have died like this. Going for the jugular in arguments. He is dead gone from this life and my heart is broken. Let him know he isnt alone. My 23 year old son shot himself 12/22/18. What takes a person to that place. Hi Sue, I dont know if you ever listen to the radio show This American Life but if you do (or if your want to check it out) there is an episode called Birds and Bees and the last third of the show is about helping kids who lost someone to suicide learn how to talk about it open and honestly. We miss our son immensely. hugs I think he very well possibly had some kind of undiagnosed mental illness going on that contributed to it. Your grief will take time. She didnt write a good bye but her journals gave us a peek into her life of pain. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. Keep your family close during this time. I thought he had hit his head on some metal struts he has for a car lift. If your bf has guilt, regret, or feelings that he could or should have done something, this may be his brains way of dealing with those feelings. It is so hard when theres nobody who can understand this pain. the head of the snake will be cut off, thus rendering the world of one less poisonous slither. Kelly Sorah September 11, 2018 at 4:13 am Reply. Unfortunately I did not find him in time and he suffered severe brain damage. Ill never love another and I didnt keep my promise to her. I dont love you, I dont love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. I miss him every single day. However as an individual if these terms dont feel right to you then by all means you should choose the language that you feel most closely matches your outlook and experience. We had been together since April. Your story spoke to me. Delivering the news to my daughter that her father had died was the worst and most painful thing I will ever have to do for my entire life. It was literally 2 months to the day from when we got married that this happened. And I also did not want to burden anyone else again about my feelings and be done with this. A book for everyone. Jeff had attempted suicide multiple times since 2014. My bf recently lost his twin brother from suicide, he hung himself in a jail cell, we kind of know why he did it but didnt know he had the skill..but my bf for about two weeks now have been having these dreams of his brother screaming his nameScotty Scotty,help me over and over and then Im lost help me and his brother wouldnt have a face at all my bf tried holding him but his brother cant see or hear him hes just wondering aimlessly with his arms out looking and sounding lost. Thank you for your language suggestion. The guilt I have is tremendous, part of me knows that he loves me and forgives, but the rest of my thoughts are so much loader. Once ur gone its keputs. the questions that never will have an answer, the plans that just vanished, the hopes, everything. I have wanted to die so many times I planned to get fentynol to help me. There arent enough resources or even training for professionals on these matters. He had reached the edge of the woods by the time I caught up with him. Be prepared that eventually you'll start feeling guilt and people around you will make you feel guilty (especially family) for being okay, or happy. I lost my common law partner to suicide 5 months ago and I miss him so. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I dont even know if I will ever meet her again or not Plz tell me what to do. Every single day. I know how much pain he was in and that he did his best and just had to find relief. We got her to see a therapist. Im good most of the time, but sometimes, it still hurts incredibly : /, Tessa winger March 14, 2019 at 3:45 am Reply. Very successful in his life, always preaching about wanting more. I am so very worried for my son. I know it hurts that youre family is treating you like that, they obviously dont understand how it feels like to have depression and so they are afraid but reject you when you need them. I spent this last summer listening to Leo's videos, meditating, applying to jobs, and talking my brother down from multiple suicide attempts (he tried 30 different times from May to July. Desi. She ended her life a few weeks later. In reference to the other comments above, I use the phrase died by suicide most often. This is something I never ever thought of. She said I should have called 911 quicker but it all happened so fast so very fast. My kids are very young and I try to pretend as everything is ok because they are too young to understand. Once cops got there I took the blame but the neighbor yelled and insisted he had saw my brother driving and he had left. That is often a taboo subject; no one wants to admit that there is an element of relief sometimes when their loved one has died. He just got done taking a course so he could enter into a Masters position. dealing with things has been difficult. Ive done research and many studies in other countries recognize suicide as a high statistic killer in pregnant women, but up until last week none of us around her knew that. Today, my mother who for decades wouldnt talk about it (even initially telling her 4 kids a lie about how he died) sent us a news article which was a profile on her life. I have 3 children to look after also. She needed me and I need her. They expect me to just move on and tells me its not my fault and to stop procrastinating. I knew him better and have spent more time with him than with anyone else. They did everything together. Tami, Im very sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. Reading these comments has helped me to see that I am not alone in my pain. TJ had been the organizer for the group for two years and everyone just thought the world of him. I dont know. My brother also became an alcoholic and, after years of sorrow and soffering, took his life out. What a lovely message. At the time we werent on speaking terms. But, this is just so horrific, and the pain is so wrenching that its different, it just is. We can only guess at how much emotional pain he was in because he hid it so well. Humans are cruel apathetic, it is easier to disassociate from a person who is not doing well emotionally. I knocked on his door to say goodbye as I left to work, he answered OK and said I love you Mom and I replied I love you too Two hours later, as seen on the Ring video, he walks with a shotgun he bought the day before, to the back of the garage and shot himself in the face. Give yourself time to heal. One of my close friends became sucidal after that, he gave a real life perspective on what she went through. Looking back though, there were plenty red flags. April 14,2008 My big brother died that way too. It still hurts and I wake up thinking about him, all day and night. So.we stopped asking much. Please seek help! It may be helpful to talk through this with a therapist or counselor trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ I hope this helps a bit. And under the moonlight he jumped after putting his belongings on a neat line, even with his his bank card showing his ID. She was like another grandmother to my 7 year old and thats also hard for me to handle. I just hope that all the people who loved him will be okay. Linda January 21, 2022 at 2:13 pm Reply. Imagine that in the first few hours of finding out your son is dead being offered money. Im the one who reached to him on social media, and I guess he never seemed too motivated. Your in-laws family cant comfort you at this point in life because they are in tremendous pain like you are provable. Really gone. I have never known loss or pain like this and I am angry upset and feel hopless. , Isabelle Siegel February 9, 2021 at 9:16 am Reply. My brother committed suicide by hanging six months ago, he was my only sibling. When youre ready, please look into finding a therapist that you connect with (it took me meeting 6 therapists until I met one that I felt comfortable speaking to) its a scary processbut its worth it in the end. Im reading all of these sad, horrible posts about people finding their parents, or siblings or SOs to suicide and it is absolutely heart rending, every post. Michelle March 4, 2021 at 3:46 pm Reply. Or even help someone else change their mind about taking their own lives. The list goes on and on. She took her life three weeks later. I wake up to remind myself hes not a phone call away anymore. Did he plan this? I just think its the truth! He expected to spend the rest of his life with her & now it is over. Seeing the aftermath of it all was unbearable. You were a shining star here on earth, but now you shine up in the sky. Xoxo, Tamerra LeMay December 29, 2021 at 2:57 pm Reply. He was 42. Due to a less than desirable childhood we both saw me as the parental figure in the family, never learning coping skills or mature ways of handling my emotions thus never being able to properly parent my siblings. I feel partially responsible because even though i knew he was sick I said some nasty things to him. Isabelle Siegel January 22, 2021 at 10:34 am Reply. However, just a few days ago, my friend texts me again to say that she did go to the viewing and met TJs parents and they told her that he had hung himself. I will never find closure. He was also seriously mentally ill and OP, you are not at fault despite what you feel, Im so sorry for your loss OP but this is rly not your fault. Ive become recluse as of late. Ive never seen him upset or sad even. my dad was the last to see him . Your story was the only one i could find similar to mine. My heart goes out to you , I am so sorry Rosemy son suffered from anxiety and depressionhe overdosed from heroin January 22, 2016he knew this stuff could kill him as he overdosed before I feel the pain was too much for him and the drugs made it better I would be willing to guess that mental illness is behind most if not all drug overdoses, Marion Cameron May 19, 2016 at 8:20 am Reply, Penny Caldwell May 19, 2016 at 11:01 am Reply. I truly hope that you read this and it helps in some way no matter how small. Something that helps me is looking for signs that hes still with me. My son passed away on the 16/11/2019 and he killed him self. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. His ex-fianc tormented him and stalked him and sent him a sms telling him to do everyone a favour and kill himself. At knowing none of us will ever get over it. So forget and heal. Katharina July 24, 2019 at 6:12 am Reply. A year ago I was telling him I love you and talking about all the good memories I had of him growing up. For the people she hurt, for the hurt shes dealt me with her actions, for the son she left behind who one day Ill have to explain what happened to mommy. He suffered from schizophrenia and finally took his life by jumping from our apartment. Youll find a way to keep on and be a good person. She was one of my closest friends, and I didnt know until almost a year after. Im so sorry, and all I can say, from what I have come to learn is Bless and Release. When you are ready to forgive, I think you might feel a slight load off your shoulders, but the pain, I regret, will always be there. I was at home and was alerted by my wife and daughters screams. My Brother decided to end his life 8 years ago. As Im writing this its hard to see threw the tears. He even told the cops what happened. We were separated because of a court no contact order that I never wanted but was supposed to be for my benefit when it happened. Bless you ? He was never properly diagnosed for 8 years as he would never follow through with treatment. He was 27 years old, and he was a combat veteran who had been out of the Army for 5 years. All the best to you. He had one year of college left. My boyfriend took his life 19 years and 4 months ago. Peace to you and your family. Another stressor was that David was awarded custody of his daughter, and this created extra effort to get in many ways to provide a good upbringing for her. My sister died in 2012 which tore me apart. To me, he was a lot like your friend- an older brother, a very young man who brought light into this world. It was a Saturday that she took her life and we spent one of the most beautiful day together making each other happy. Then it all turned around when we got home and the alcohol started to get into his blood deeper. The Internet becomes everything to them. Moment by moment. Like I said, Im in the denial stage and that car outside my window is surreal. The traded stories between family and friends that bring smiles bc he created those memories for and with us. Little Jack is a clone of his daddy. By Laura Zinn Fromm. She sent years self medicating to numb her pain. I had a tremendous amount of faith in his abilities, in his determination. For this reason, organizations like the World Health Organization, National Institute for Mental Health, American Association for Suicidology, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and countless others have been working to shift suicide-related terminology.